The goal in making amends is “to freely admit the damage we’ve done and make our apologies,” according to The Big Book. In some cases, making amends may mean paying or promising to pay “whatever obligations, financial or otherwise, we owe,” the Big Book also states. For example, someone living with an addiction alcohol withdrawal timeline: symptoms to expect during the first 72 hours may make amends by apologizing for stealing property and then make it right by returning what they’d taken. Of all the 12 steps, Step 9 is often referred to as particularly challenging. Understanding why will require taking a closer look at what Step 9 is, its goals, and its possible outcomes.
We talked about the complicated processes of self-forgiveness and self-compassion. We’ve filled you in on things that can exacerbate guilt, like hindsight bias and survivors’ guilt. We’ve given you journaling exercises around coping with regret. For every time you said you’d be there or that you’d help someone do something and didn’t show up, you’ve left an impression upon that person that they can’t rely on you to keep your word. You can start making amends by showing up, even if it’s years later, to do the things you said you’d do. Another example would be of a person who’s been a taker all their lives suddenly decides they no longer want to be self-centered and selfish.
On the other hand, if you go back to going out with your drinking buddies, your recovery could be at risk. There’s no need to rush into activities if you do not feel up to them. You can take up hobbies or activities you used to do one at a time. This is, however, not a license to avoid responsibility or be lazy. Pacing yourself is a strategy you could use to avoid being overwhelmed by your emotions or physical stress. If we want to be forgiven, we have to be patient, because it may not come today, tomorrow or the next day.
- If you’re familiar with substance use recovery and 12-step programs, the idea of «living amends» might ring a bell.
- Just like each person needs an individualized approach to alcohol addiction treatment, your approach to making amends in AA may look completely different from someone else’s.
- Then we make space for other people to hurt and heal—not just now, but into the foreseeable future.
Making amends means apologizing but also goes one step further—doing everything in your power to repair the damage, restore the relationship, and/or, replace what you took. If you’re writing a letter, whether sending or sharing it in person, sober living insurance coverage and payment options spend some time reflecting on and sharing the actions you’re taking to redress the wrong(s) done. Even after getting treatment, many people find themselves turning to drugs or alcohol because they don’t know how to live a sober lifestyle.
Making amends with the people you’ve fallen out with as you’re thinking about mortality and what happens when you die is one way of finding emotional freedom and closure. But what happens when the person you need to make amends with dies before you’re able to apologize and change your ways? Unfortunately, this scenario plays out much too often in the lives of people who didn’t get a chance to correct their mistakes and past behaviors in time. Living amends is a concept linked to addiction recovery and part of the twelve-step program for sober living.
Promises to do things differently
We can only become who we intend to be, and acknowledge to others that those addictive behaviors have no place in our lives from here on out. It’s not our job to quicken their process of accepting us any more than it was their job to help us get sober. Forgiveness may not come on our timetable, but what gives us the right to set the timetable?
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The goal is for each recipient to have a stake in their sobriety. Therefore we never give 100% scholarship and steadily decrease the amount over time. Discover the solutions you’ve been seeking with this new guide to living free of alcohol.
However, as a person continues the journey of sobriety, repairing those broken bridges becomes necessary. To fix these messes, you have to offer more than apologies. I am able to share about my struggles and finally take suggestions from others in the program. Thru this program I have been able to stay is alcoholism considered a disease on my medications for depression and anxiety and am the most sober I have ever been. Hello, my name is Jordan, and I am writing to you about the importance of scholarships in sober living. Most drug addicts have no money saved and have torn down every relationship we have ever participated in.
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If you are unsure whether we will work with your sober living community, please contact Living Amends today. Living Amends is a non-profit organization supporting those serious about sobriety by trusting God, cleaning house and helping others. The amends I made to her was admitting my wrongs and shortcomings due to my addiction. Teasing out the difference between guilt and regret can be tough.
For example, if you used to go late to work, commit to heading out early. You can start by going early the next time you go to work. Gradually, you will build a pattern of being punctual and more responsible at your job. Again, in recovery, your words may not mean as much to some people as you wish they would. Understandably, some people may just need more time to learn how to trust you again.
Step 9 of AA’s 12-step program directs people in recovery to take accountability for actions that may have harmed others and to make amends when possible. In Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), making amends is considered a crucial component of long-term recovery. It’s possible that the other person is unaware of the harm you have caused them, and making direct amends would make them aware and hurt them badly. It can be tempting to say things like “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you,” but try to avoid these blanket statements. They miss the opportunity to be truly reflective about how your wrongdoings have impacted the other person and can be misread.
If they didn’t pay attention, I do my best to let them suffer the consequence. If they take my words for granted, sometimes, I take a break from talking. I don’t punish them with silence (although I did do that in the past). My Mom, on the other hand, loves to complain about Ricky’s behavior. Sometimes I can listen supportively for a short period of time. Over the years, in small bits and pieces, I have been able to share small pearls of my Al-anon wisdom.
Ways to Make Amends in Recovery
Appreciating yourself for achieving your goals is an excellent way to build self-confidence. So, each time you set a goal and achieve it, acknowledge it. Journaling can help you keep track and focus on the behaviors you have to work on.
What Does Step 9 (Making Amends) Have To Do With Sobriety?
It would be easy to think there is nothing more WYG can write about guilt and grief. We’ve written about how common guilt is in grief (you wouldn’t believe how many people get the «coulda woulda shouldas»). We wrote an article about the difference between guilt and regret.
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To discern whether to make amends, ask yourself why you’re wanting to contact the person. For example, if you had an affair for three years during active addiction, visiting your ex to fess up and say you’re sorry isn’t going to help them; it’s going to hurt them. Are you taking the step to clear your conscience at the expense of another person? If so, then you should avoid approaching that individual. When first writing your list, don’t worry about including everyone you have wronged.